Three years ago my sister in StL received an ad from the Danbury Mint for a StL Cardinals ornament. If you are not familiar with the Danbury Mint, check here. These are the folks who sell themed gift items to people whose idea of contemporary decoration is a Team Tiffany Lamp and end table. Anyway, it was a bell. Now, you must understand that at this point in the storied history of my life, I owned exactly one Christmas Tree ornament. One. A tree looks pretty stupid when it has one friggin ornament dangling off it. So I bought it.
As a result, I was inducted onto the ‘Danbury Mint Sucker List’. Yes, me, grown up intelligent human being, now lumped together with Mimi the mumu wearing trailer park Mama-san. I get their mailings about once a quarter, and then get a light workout as I throw the brochure right into the round file.
But since my Cardinals won the World Series, I’ve been swamped – SWAMPED – with offers to sell me crap embossed with a world series logo. And seeing as this is the time for gift giving, I feel obligated to enlighten my public with what’s available to get that obsessive Cardinal fan you live with/know/tolerate/beg to shut up about the Cardinals or you’ll cleave his head with a tire iron.
So Ho Ho Ho, Here We Go.
1. World Series Glove ($129): If you have a thing for porcelain paper weights, this is for you. Although only 9.25″ high, this eyesore will take over your entire cube. One good note – when the ‘overly loud cell phone guy’ starts screaming the next cube over, you can air-drop this bad boy in and quickly return your workspace to its normal harmonious state. Home plate base is complementary courtesy of your good friends at the ‘ol Mint.
2. 22K gold card set ($9.95 each): You say, this looks cool – AP in shimmering gold foil. But you don’t know two things: (a) there are 26 cards in this set; (b) AP will be the last card sent. That $260 you wanted to blow betting on Michigan and LSU to win their bowls – gone. Cause that’s how they get you. They F**K you at the drive-thru!
3. Cardinal team coin set ($19.95 each, not pictured): Same principle as above, but with pogs, er, coins. Except this will set you back the money you set aside to get that shot for, you know.
More digging on these here internets unearthed even MORE crap for the true fan. If it were socially acceptable, some people would drape themselves in velvet; others will just cordon off an entire room of their house in homage to their favorite team. For these folks, a few more ideas:
4. Budwiser theme room. It’s so wrong it must be right:
Official WS beer to take out of the cooler and drink while posing in the mirror. Clothing optional. If no clothing option is selected, must play ‘Preening Buffalo Bill’ music from Silence of the Lambs.
Finally, we have some straggler gifts:
6. The Ripper.
And you thought Matt Millen was the only marketing genius who came up with this modification to the surfer wallet. I’d buy it if they stitched ‘Bad Motherf**ker’ on the other side, but, alas, Bud Selig only allows ‘Great Hock!’ to be used as a curseword on official MLB gear.
7. Charles Darrow’s get rich quick memorial. Only flaw to this game: every Monopoly set shall include a battleship piece, and I shall be the battleship. Why? Because it’s my game, that’s why. Don’t make me go all Lamar Thomas on you.